D-Day 78

Bali.......4 days to go.............

Important thing to do now, plan my career path before appraisal.

Stress..............................................................

D-Day 77

5 more days and we're off to Bali!!.

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Faster faster faster.

D-Day 75

End of a long day...

Finally did some gym work today. Another bad episode concerning some gays. Sianzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... No choice la, wanna go gym must tahan this kind of rubbish.

Hi-tea at GxxxWxxx Pxxx. 30 bucks, not that fantastic la but got good range of drinks. Idea for my own hi-tea.

Anyway, it's overall a good day la but I'm just too tired now to write more for tonight.

All I know is I can't wait to have Bebe officially back in my life, farts and burps included.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

D-Day 74, start of D-Day 75

Just came back from Superbad.

Had a good laugh.

Anyway...

Pls don't let Bebe become what she hated me to be before.

Pls don't let all our love and efforts be washed away by some silly petty argument.

Pls keep our love strong for as long as we live.

Be it testing waters or genuine displeasure, I'm glad I've handled them as calmly as I can.

I know I'm a changed man. But there's no point in that if I'm the only one who knows that.

Let's wait and see...

Good night. Gym gym here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D-Day 73

It's been another tiring day.

I hope I recover well before the Bali trip.

Today I again felt how terrible it is to miss Bebe.

What will I do without her?

Life will be so empty.

Can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.

D-Day 72

I am sick...

D-Day 71

More life lessons learnt today.

1. Thou shall not skip sleep

Not sleeping well for a few days coupled with an extra amount of pure hard work equals a very tired man. One night of solid 7 hours of sleep DOES NOT HELP!

Note to self: Try and get regular sleep nightly.

2. Thou shall not give up trying

Try and try and try. Anyone can style hair.

Note to self: Less gel, more technique.

3. Thou shall not expect

No expectations, no disappointment. Today cannot doesn't mean another day also cannot. Hearing or feeling a loved one's joy and satisfaction is as rewarding as your own.

Note to self: More rest, less slacking, pump up the training, better blood circulation.

4. Thou shall not be "geh-kiang"

A gesture which may mean practicality and convenience on your own part does not equate to the same thing for another person, no matter how dear that person is. Different people, different modus operandi.

Note to self: "Kiang" can, don't "geh-kiang". Nobody needs a smart ass.

5. Thou shall sleep on time

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Note to self: SLEEP NOW BOZO!!!

D-Day 69(Night)

Finally finished one whole week of work.

A few more hours and I'll be seeing my Bebe for badminton liao.

So so so happy. I also don't know what to write anymore.

I love my Ah Be la!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D-Day 69

Getting ready to go to work now.

One more day to go and I can spend a day with Bebe.

Badminton. Must give chance, cannot smash, cannot trick shot, must place the shuttlecock wherever she wants it, no net, blah blah blah... So many constraints but I'll be happy to do it. Cos it's for my bebe. Who happens to be a sore loser, even playing monopoly. :)

I miss Bebe.

D-Day 67

I wore my first Indian shirt today. And the worst part was, the joker who bought it for me didn't manage to get a receipt so I can't claim a single cent of the $45 that I spent on it... I'm not being stingy but it's one piece of clothing that I'll most likely not wear again. $45. Can buy one and a half adidas top or running shorts k!

Anyway, tomorrow morning can see Bebe liao so better don't sleep too late.

So happy.

Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

D-Day 66

My hard on won't subside! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bebe really doesn't realize the extent that her hotness affects me...

Call me naggy but I can't help but worry about Bebe's lack of control when it comes to drinking. To her credit, she's drinking less but there're still occasions when she drinks past her sober point and ends up high and unfocused. Times when I think of her safety if she's alone. She'll probably read this and think that I worry too much. Whatever the case la, I still worry. Cos I love her.

Looking on the bright side, Bebe gets frisky after some alcohol so I really gotta weigh the pros and cons.

But after much consideration, Bebe's safety is definitely more important than my satisfaction. Yes it's now in black and white. You can quote this post in future.

2 more weeks and we'll be going to Bali. Woopeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even remember what that place is like but I must get a tan this time!!!!!

For now I gotta tahan til Saturday morning to see my sexy Bebe. That's the price of love. Every minute that I spend with her is precious and I'm really learning to appreciate every bit of it with each passing day. Wish me luck, I want her back.

Time for bed. I hope I don't gel a half moon again tomorrow.

I love Bebe. More and more each day.

D-Day 65

I AM SO TIRED.

GOOD NIGHT...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

D-Day 64

The past.

Everyone has one, be it good or bad.

At the end of the day, some people choose or claim to let go. But how many of them really do?

As for me, I've made my choice.

I choose to accept the past. Both mine and Bebe's.

Accept it, learn from it, maybe have a good laugh over it and move on.

But the key is, accept it as part of what we are. Our past makes us what we are today.

Without a past, there won't be a present or future.

So there my dear, you have my answer.

D-Day 63

I'm clearing my email in the office now. It's the first time today that I've stepped in here cos it's been a blur since I started work today. Out of nowhere, my outlet became full house within an hour and I'm understaffed by 4...

Anyway, decided to write a little now cos I have to get to bed straight when I get home. Breakfast today was a mess cos they couldn't cope so boss wants me to start tomorrow and Wednesday an hour earlier to relive the pressure. So it'll be 2 straight full days for me. Only got my back to worry about...

Badminton... Bebe and I are going to play badminton next Monday... Our first badminton session together. Come to think of it, she'll be just my 2nd girlfriend who's played badminton with me. Anyway, I play like crap so who knows I might get thrashed by her. It's all in the name of fun so if she ends up liking it, we might even do it more often who knows. It's good to have something in common for once, minus the bitching about people.

Okie! Back to work, finish up some forecasts and it's time to rush to the stupid no light bus stop and wait 20 minutes for the stupid bus.

Cheers!

D-Day 62

My sun nearly set for good today...

There have been times I thought I was doing what I needed to do and I keep it from people I care about cos I simply don't want them to worry. Looking back, alot of things I could have not done cos of the risks involved. What might have been right at the spur of the moment more often then not turns out stupid when the adrenaline dies down.

So no action pattern more than badminton. Just take everything calm composed and focused from henceforth.

So at the end of the day, I wanna say thank you for everything to Bebe.

I am relieved and delighted that my sun did not set for good today.

Good night.

D-Day 61

It's 1105pm on after a long long long day...

Full house for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

Coupled with the fact that both meals at the staff canteen were horrendous, the fact that I'm still alive is a very good thing I guess...:)

One more night and I'll get to spend time with my most precious Bebe. I wouldn't try and be a hero and say that I'm feeling strong and ok right now cos seriously my back hurts like hell. Trying very hard not to pop pills to prevent dependency but I think I'll pop some before bed later.

I know I'm working so hard for a better future so I won't complain. Lots of stuff have been happening in the company that's really affecting the morale of the bulk of the people here. But after careful consideration, I bust my ass every single day, without carrying any balls to excel in my area of work. No complaints no whining. Just pushing forward as strongly as I can. So if shit decides to happen again, I think I'm really many queue numbers away.

So no more worrying. Just do whatevr's within my means to be the best in my field. And hopefully someone will recognize my contributions or potential and offer me a clearer brighter picture ahead.

Til then, I'm still in the process of changing for the better as a person...

In the end, when everything falls into place, I hope Bebe is there. Mine. Officially mine.

D-Day 59

Weekend burnt...

I'm spending my weekend from Friday to Sunday morning in the hotel...

Lunch, dinner, sleep, breakfast, lunch, dinner, sleep, breakfast!!!!! That's 6 meal periods in a row!!!!!! Iron man!!! My version of a triathlon.

But I think it's worth it la cos if nothing goes wrong I'll get to spend Sunday with Bebe...

With the year end appraisal coming, I guess I got no choice but to slog my butt off...

I hope my back holds up...

I really miss Bebe so much so much so much...

Life sucks without her. It really does.

D-Day 58

It was just a long long day......

And the single highlight of the day, Bebe and me made up. :)

Sleep in peace...

D-Day 57

From happy to sad.

The quality of my days changes as suddenly as the weather these days.

How would you feel if someone tells you that your performance bonus has already been pre-determined by someone who hates your guts? Or that it doesn't matter how much good you do, marked is marked?

Anyway, I was going to happily end my day seeing Bebe but again something has to go wrong.

Tired Bebe+After 10pm+Long distance+No parking+"Supposed" slow service+Crappy food = Recipe for disaster.

That was how my night ended.

I seriously hope tomorrow will be better.

I'm too sad and tired to write more for now.

Good night.

Sometimes things may not be my fault...

D-Day 56

Today was a beautiful day.

Spent the day at Sentosa since last night. Poor bebe couldn't sleep properly again. Didn't get to swim cos her "auntie" came so my tan's gotta wait til Bali liao.

Little silly misunderstanding over whether SQ was the best in the world that was resolved within half an hour. Long? Beats a whole day right?

We both are trying extra hard to make this work.

I believe we can.

Thank you for everything Bebe.

I really really love you.

Sleep tight.

D-Day 55

We can be so happy together.

The challenge is to make it last.

D-Day 54

Another long day.

Why can't she see that I love her more than I love the physicalities?

She just doesn't see.

It's draining me.

D-Day 53

Big headache la.

Again quarrelled over silly petty stuff.

I should just try and keep my mouth shut...

I shall go on trying til I can't try anymore.

Hopefully that day never comes.

I'm so worn out...

D-Day 52

It's 15 mins past our supposed 2nd anniversary.

It's such a strong deep feeling of despair and sadness that I feel with each passing day.

Everything could have been fine if I hadn't lost control.

Now I can only pray and hope. Hope that this darkness will lead to some light soon.

It is getting unbearable not having Bebe as mine.

She is the one I wanna spend my life with.

Confirm guarantee plus chop.

D-Day 51

Today is supposed to be me and Bebe's 2nd anniversary.

Supposed to be.

I know I'm responsible for the current situation that we're in but seriously, I'm doing everything within my means to make it up.

3 months. That's her time limit.

It is the longest darkest period in my life. Everyday without her is plain torture. Though it seems to the outside world that everything's fine, we both know mentally it's not fine. At least for Bebe...

I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused.

I do hope my redemption will come some day.

I'm just too filled with sadness to continue writing.

For now.

D-Day 50

It's the mornign before I start work.

Since it's still early I've decided to write a little.

Who decides how long is the correct period for redemption? I guess when you're the one at fault, there really isn't much you can complain about is there? So 3 months has been set. Like it or not, I'll still have to go through with it. Why? Stupid? Stubborn? Sore loser? None of the above. Only simply cos I love her.

She's been acting cranky lately. But I've also gotta analyze my own behaviour. Maybe I should just talk less. Better for everyone. She's happy, I also won't get yelled at randomly.

Love. Can't live with it, can't live without it. So I go on.

Enjoy my week Big Head.

Tomorrow is 2nd anniversary... Supposed...

D-Day 49

I'm a good person. I know that. But somehow it just doesn't seem to cut it.

I'm supposed to celebrate my 2nd anniversary on Wednesday. Supposed to. That's the focus.

I am really really tired. Don't know why but I'm just plain exhausted.

I don't wanna not know what I want anymore. I know who I love. I know who I want. I just don't know when I'll get what I want.

I don't wanna be exhausted anymore. I'll strive on til I drop.

Good night.

D-Day 48

End of a long week.

Every night's been full house. The whole team's exhausted.

I'm just glad I'll get to rest tomorrow.

3 more days and it's gonna be me and Bebe's supposed second anniversary. It's really been a long long way. I'm just comforted by the fact that she still stuck around.

My brain is too dead to think of something meaningful to write now. So I shall go sleep first. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to write more.

I love you Bebe.

D-Day 46

2 major incidents today.

1. A stupid lao beng decided to pick a fight with me. Let's just say if it was just a few months ago, I probably would have him down flat on the ground in a few seconds. But now, I didn't retaliate. Not cos I was afraid. It's cos I've mellowed. I realize I can keep my temper in check better now. Sometimes, knowing you can easily hurt somebody really bad and yet choosing to not hurt at all makes you feel like a bigger man. Enlightenment of the day.

2. I received an English lesson today...
Note to self: "Once in a while" equates to damn fucking long one time, eg. one year once. "Regular" refers to a shorter period of time taken for repetition, eg. once a week.

I have been enlightened.

Good night.

D-Day 45

Finished my Excel Expert course yesterday.

Damn tough. So many bloody functions that I probably will never use in the next 5, 10 years were tested. Somehow managed to finish the test in the allotted 50 mins.

I'm just glad it's over...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm spending the day with Bebe today. Checked in at GMR yesterday night.

Poor thing couldn't sleep well the whole night cos of my incessant snoring... If only she knew I couldn't sleep well too cos I was freezing the whole night with her pulling the entire blanket onto her.

Love is such a complex thing... She puts up with my snoring without killing me. I put up with the arctic temperature cos I didn't wanna pull the blanket from her.

Anyway, today should be pleasantly fun. We're going to catch a movie later then see what happens after that.

Stupid rainy weather today so I guess I gotta postpone my suntan.

I'm just glad I get to spend the day with the only woman that I love, no matter what we end up doing.

To quote a 6 year old I saw on The Ellen Show this morning,"It ain't about the sex y'all, it's about love!"

Adios!

SMS Saga

Whoever invented sms was either a moron or a genius, depending on the situation I find myself in.

I like the fact that I can get work done elsewhere while I'm stuck in a meeting somewhere just by sending a few smses.

I like it that I can wait for a delayed response from the receiver, especially during the times with bad news.

However, replying smses is tiring and really frustrating when you have to concentrate on work and yet need to try to squeeze out a few seconds and a few ounces of energy to key in replies on a teeeeeeny weeeeeeny keypad.

Till someone comes up with an answer, I think all of us with phones realize that we have whether voluntarily or not, succumbed to the invention named sms.

Genius or moron?

Good or evil?

Go figure.

Good night.

D-Day 42

Excel Expert 24092007.

One dingy classroom.

One boring lecturer who takes pleasure in making old ladies laugh.

9 women above 35.

1 single virile man.

The challenge... to stay awake for a total of 24 hours in 3 days and complete the course with flying colours...

To be continued...

D-Day 41

It is D-Day 41. 11 days since I last blogged.

The past few days have just been a tiresome blur. I've been so overworked that I've come home everyday and dropped dead in bed.

I'm on course for 3 days starting tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get to take a break then.

In a nutshell, for now, I'm happy that Bebe and I have been progressing positively and I'm thankful for the opportunity.

And big big big event today. She said she loves me today. This is the first time she's said it since "The Incident".

I am thankful.

Good night.

D-Day 31

I nearly died today.

Was taking a cab to meet Bebe for lunch when an oncoming Honda beat the red light and whammed straight into the front of the cab I was in. If my driver was going a little faster, I'd probably not be here blogging now.

Anyway the thoughts that were going through my brain when the accident was happening was happening. I never imagined life flashbacks could happen so fast. But at that instant before the impact, everything that happened between me and Bebe just flashed through in my head. I was so scared. Not of death. But I was so upset that I may never have the chance to be good to Bebe anymore and not have any more chance to make it up to her.

I know I love her. Confirm...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My new boss has a lot of pattern, macam badminton.

Today change this, tomorrow move that. Idea alot, and talks a lot too.

See how la...

Actually looking back at how I've progressed since leaving The Force, I think I've done reasonably well. Alot partly due to certain benefactors I've met.

I think I should just stay content with the curent situation with the new bosses in. Slog it out for the next few months til year's end then see what comes along. If I get recognized, great. If not, I'd like to think I would have gathered enough knowledge and experience to be recognized elsewhere.

As usual, see how la.

For now, I sleep. Monday go zoo. Wahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

D-Day 29 & 30

Yesterday night got back too late so couldn't blog.

Spent the whole night "socializing" with T,D,H & TS at Newton. Farewell dinner for TS who's going to Bali. All the best to him.

No gossip heard though. Just really really tired...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today was tiring cos I only slept for about 4 hours from 2am plus.

Wanted to meet Bebe for lunch but she already had prior appointment. I could never have imagine the level of disappointment I felt when she told me she wasn't available for lunch. I really really need her in my life so much.

Bebe told me some guy asked her out. I felt so shitty. It's such a terrible feeling knowing that officially she's not mine. But I'm thankful she didn't agree to date that guy, whoever that is. The balls he has!!!! I know it's been my fault that I lost Bebe but I know I can get her back one day.

I really really want and need Bebe so much.

It's such a terrible feeling.

Luckily the day ended well. Bebe had dinner at the hotel then we went back together. Pure bliss. I want my life to be like that all the way. I must have Bebe back. Must. Cannot take any more chances.

Good night.

D-Day 28

My place of work is really not as safe as we thought.

Today another HOD was asked to leave immediately. Snap of a finger, just like that. That is the 3rd person asked to leave within a week, all were paid a month's salary and made to go immediately. Harsh and lethal. Really makes me wonder who's next. And most importantly, will I be in line?

So far, don't think I've done anything warranting a dismissal so I'll just have to be cautious henceforth. Seriously, it's hard to feel secure in an environment like that. Just gotta wait and see.

Really not in the mental state to write much tonight. I've got a little thinking to do in peace.

I shall write more tomorrow.

By the way, I miss Bebe.

Good night.

D-Day 27

Just got home from a 10 hour shift.

Think I scored some points with the new GM tonight. He came for dinner and we chatted about sports, cycling and running. Apparently, Txxx and Nxxxx have been telling him about my sporting interests. He asked if I would join him for cycling one day. Of course I said I'd love to...But maybe he's being courteous. See how la...

Boss is off for 2 days so nobody to disturb me for 2 days so I'll take tomorrow to catch up on my paperwork and other stuff. Have been so tired the past few days I haven't had any chance to go thru work.

Hopefully no new arrows come soon. Business is really bad. I'm having a terrible headache thinking of ways to bring in business. Sianzzz...

Anyway, this coming week no off so steam liao lor... I really lack sleep... How I wish can get 2,3 days just to sleep. But then don't have Bebe, can sleep also no use...

I really miss spending every waking moment with Bebe...

Ok, I've been instructed by Bebe to go to bed. I shall comply.

Good night. Will blog tomorrow if I can stay awake.

D-Day 26

Tired tired tired...

But once again my day today ended on a high, with Bebe. :)

Had lunch with Bebe today at Swenxxxx. Spent about the same as last night but much much much better even though the grilled chicken salad was quite fridgy... Then spent some time with Bebe at her office. Poor thing had to work cos of some server problem. But I'm glad I could be with her for a while. Like that also shiok seriously...

Just now full house again. Work until seh........ Luckily gotta meet Bebe after work.

Big bang to the end of the day. I really really love every minute with Bebe. Can't wait for the day she's back to me for good.

I miss Bebe. Again...

Good night.

D-Day 25

Still very very tired.

But the last few hours of today was so good my tiredness disappeared.

Bebe recovered. Heng ah...

We went to watch No Reservations at PS today...

Movie was not too bad but the dinner before that was TERRIBLE... I shall not elaborate in case I get nightmares...

After all these days, regardless of whatever has happened, I know for sure I want Bebe in my life. Simply seeing her and holding her hand gives me so much bliss.

I need her, I want her, I love her.

And I know I am also capable of being the best man she could ever have.

I love Bebe. That's for sure.

That's all for tonight. Eyes closing soon.

Good night.

D-Day 24

Very very tired.

Bebe is sick.

Me heart pain, hope she gets well soon.

I miss Bebe.

D-Day 23

I did something stooooooooooooooopid yesterday night.

Sick don't rest at home, kaypoh go help people do tank. Just looking for some company for dinner cos I couldn't rest at home with the noise.

Anyway, when Bebe found out, I got a good one from her. And stupid me snapped. I yelled at her and made her cry. Poor thing. My fault. Sorry.

Was a hair's breadth away from losing her totally again...

I'm just relieved she agreed to try again.

I'm so stooooooooooooooooopid.

SORRY K BEBE.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today is the second day of my MC.

Felt a bit better after sleeping a good 10 hours. Met Bebe for lunch.

This woman, very difficult, wear too slack kenna, wear a bit nicer also kenna. Just T-shirt, jeans and shoes mah. Isn't that what almost all guys are wearing as casual wear?

I was a slacker in terms of dressing before Bebe came along. Maybe not that slack just a bit more practical. I perspire very easily so I chose to wear a lot of jerseys which are quick dry so I won't have to deal with sweat stains. That became a niggling habit which I'm still doing right now when I'm not with Bebe.

So pls understand that it is a little tough to dress up. But for Bebe I try la. Don't want people to think she going out with small boy also. Small boy with big equipment! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway afetr lunch we both went home and tried to rest individually. To not much success.

So we chatted on the phone in the evening and decided to meet up for coffee/tea after dinner.

Singpost Coffeexxxx always held fond memories. It was there that I first opened up to Bebe, even before we were together. So I always feel nice to be with her there. But tonight's experience was terrible. Slow service and extremely bad food. At least the company was good. Like it always has been whenever Bebe's around.

Bebe is an extremely difficult person to deal with cos she has all sorts of demands and expectations. But I gotta deal with all these if I choose to stay with her.

I know it's tough. Maybe much tougher than any sort of training I've ever been through. But for now, I know I do love her a whole lot, much more than anything else. Therefore I will try and try and try. Therefore I will change for the better. Therefore I will show my love for her in more ways than just smsing or talking. I will do it.

For now, I will go to bed before my 2 days of full shifts start tomorrow. Gotta take better care of myself in order to take care of Bebe better. Something I need to prove to her.

Good night sweetheart.

Get well soon. To you and me.

D-Day 22

I am sick today.

On MC...

Can't see Bebe also cos we agreed not to meet today to let her go home for dinner.

So will probably sleep the entire day.

I'm really getting old. Falling sick so easily.

I'll blog later if anything interesting crops up in my room. :p

Hope my stooooopid wabbit gives me some peace and quiet.

Me go sleep liao...

D-Day 21

Monday.

Black Monday.

Had to wake up at 5am to get ready for work. And the moronic side of me set the alarm to go off at 4am instead so ended up waking up an hour earlier.

Anyway the day passes without mashap and got to meet Bebe for dinner.

Had dinner at Modxxxxx at Vivo after hearing Bebe rave about it the last time.

Pizza was ok. But the pasta was gone!!! We ordered something that sounded similar to what we had at La Cantina. Big disappointment...

Spent the rest of the evening walking around Vivo. Finished off with coffee and toast before heading home.

Another good day. :)

I love you Bebe.

D-Day 19+20

Two days' blog.

Lazy? Whatever.

I got the entire weekend off. I also don't know why...

Anyway, I booked a weekend at CVH with Bebe.

What did we do?

Watched Ratatouille.

Bummed around.

Bought an excellent pair of Hugo-like shoes from Adidas!!!!!

Bummed around some more.

Bebe wanted pizza for dinner so we decided to go for a meal with a view at La Cantina. Yes I've checked. It's La Cantina not El Cantina. Confirmed plus guarantee plus chop.

Anyway, we were witnesses to some of the slowest and slackest service possible. And magically, we did not get to suffer much of it.

Ordered a mushroomy pizza and crabmeat pasta in tomato cream sauce. Nice. Had a bottle of wine, drank too fast, became a lobster.

About the service... chia lat!!!!!! So many tables we saw did not get their orders even after almost an hour... Heng our orders came fast(intentionally or unintentionally I don't really care la). We had a great dinner and spent some time after the food playing with a cutie baby girl behind us.

After dinner, whatever happened is not suitable for public posting.

Let's just say we both ended satisfied and with unintentional bruises and rug burns on the worst possible places...

We ended the night watching The Omen.

Freaky...

Next time must get Bebe to check our kids' scalps to make sure there's no 666 birthmark... Scary...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sunday morning was supposed to be when we had a slow breakfast at a little cafe selling Bebe's fave soft buns but lo and behold, tor tio liao... I guess the F&B line is cruel, you don't make enough to cover your costs, that's it.

Ended up eating prata... Altogether now... Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...

Then spent the afternoon with Bebe at Geraldine's.

She looks great after the hair-job. But still the most beautiful woman in my eyes la...

Then we ended the night early after chicken rice dinner cos I had to start early on Monday.

OVERALL IT WAS A WONDERFUL WEEKEND. AND I HOPE EVERY WEEKEND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE WILL BE AS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D-Day 18

Bebe is safely home from Mumbai.

I was at the airport waiting for her flight SQ 421 to land before heading back cos I wasn't supposed to be seen.

Sad but true...

D-Day 17(Night)

130am.

I've just been woken up by my stupid wabbit Maomao.

He's been extremely hard to handle since he came home.

Always thumping his feet, especially when he's asleep. Then these 2 days, every time I top up his food bowl, he'll eat a bit then start humping the bowl till the bowl topples over, spilling the food.

This stupid guy. Siao cheong nao!!!!

I'm seriously contemplating neutering him to make him tamer but I know Bebe can't bear to.

See how la. Probably he misses his mummy too much, just like me. But I'm a bit luckier, I still get to see Bebe occasionally and don't have to hump food bowl...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In a few hours Bebe will be coming home from Mumbai. I'm relieved she's finally coming back. My heart aches knowing she has to suffer there.

I promise to always be around for her no matter what and not let her have to suffer again.

Now it's just a matter of time.

K I shall try and sleep again. If not the stupid fever will come back again.

Please la Maomao, let me sleep peacefully for once la...

I need energy to spend time with your mummy k.

Good night.

D-Day 17

Back home at a record breaking early time. Not feeling too good with the silly fever still lingering.

One more day and Bebe will be back. So happy. Even though we're "officially" not a couple, I still pity the poor girl who has to spend 4 long days in Mumbai!!!!! India!!!!! Wonder if she bought birds from the market with her Visa card.

F-Fred, SIBM-Smelly Indian Bird Man

F(tilting head left and right),"My love is going on a journey today. I vanna bring her good fortune. 5 birds please."

SIBM(also tilting left and right),"But you already have 1."

F(sheepishly),"OK!"

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!!!Everybody sing along now!!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I can't wait to see Bebe again.

Really feels empty without her around.

I really have changed. But it's up to Bebe to decide when she wants to come back. I won't force her. I'll just hang in there til it's time, then I will make her the happiest woman in the world.

Mrs Chxxxx Lim.

Excellent!!!

D-Day 16

215am.

Had fever today, as expected. But better now after lots of water and panadol.

My "favourite" fat boy Dxxxxxx tendered his resignation today. Good for him, better for everyone else. But Txxx spoke to him so he might change his mind. See how la. It'll be good to have some peace and quiet finally.

I was having my dinner break today when some of the accounts girls came over and asked me how I was doing.... Something fishy.... Then they asked me what I felt about Stxxxxxxx going over to become GRM. I said good for her. They all stared at me like they were expecting more but nope, that's all I had to say. Finally someone had the brains to ask me how my relationship with Bebe was and if I would ever consider giving Stxxxxxxx a chance if I was unattached. What's up with these people? They really have nothing better to do. My stand has always been very clear. I'm in love with Bebe and unless I ever fall out of love with her, nothing and nobody, not even Fiona "Biong-biong" can drag me away.

As I continued sitting there alone, I thought back to all the times I've spent with Bebe. Good and bad, we've gone through so much together. It'll really take alot more to make me stop loving her.

I know we're meant to be. We just got to learn to accomodate each other better.

I know I'm trying and I'm pretty sure Bebe loves me enough to wanna spend her life with me.

I'm waiting and changing at the same time.

I miss Bebe and I miss having her belong to me.

One day I will have her back.

Good night.

D-Day 15

Bebe is in Mumbai. Poor thing. My heart aches whenever I think about it. 3 more days to go, hang in there my beautiful princess.

Went to fix Mdm Lee's tank earlier. She asked when I was getting married. Nearly cried. Luckily facing the tank so she couldn't see. At that moment, I again realized how much Bebe meant to me and how much I wanted to spend my life with her.

I really feel that void getting deeper and deeper. I will never get used to not having her.

Anyway, we'll spend half a weekend together this week when she's back. For that, I am thankful.

Seeing stars now. Small fever kicking in. I need to take better care of my health.

Earlier Bebe called to chat. I really love hearing her voice. Be it when she's talking, singing or even moaning. I just love hearing her.

I miss Bebe so much.

Be strong darling. Come back safe and sound. I'm waiting patiently here for you.

Sweet dreams.

D-Day 14

I had a wonderful day today.

Picked Bebe up from the airport. So happy to see her. She had to go back to office for a while so I hung around til she was finished. Went for lunch at MS then walked around.

The rest of the activities are for me and Bebe to know only.

But I had a beautiful day.

Actually in a way, I'm glad we're going thru what we're going thru now. I have woken up and I guess Bebe also realizes the intensity of her love for me. That's why I've been given the opportunity to redeem myself.

I love Bebe so much. I wanna be good to her and good for her.

Time will prove my sincerity and determination to become better.

I shall sleep now. Gotta give bebe morning call later.

I miss her so much.

D-Day 13

13 more hours and I'll get to see Bebe.

Nothing much I wanna think of right now except wait to spend an afternoon with her tomorrow before she flies to black country.

I shall sleep now.

I miss you bebe.

Can't stop loving you.

D-Day 13

Good morning!

It's gonna be another long day so I don't think I'll have the energy to write tonight.

Definitely, my missing of Bebe is getting from bad to worse. I can't stop thinking of her.

I can't stop thinking of the wonderful memories we've had. All the good times when all we enjoyed was each other's company and pure pure love and happiness. I really want those times back.

However, I will not let myself forget the crap that I've done to hurt her. And I will constantly remind myself to stay calm and focused in order not to make the same mistakes.

I wanna build a new life with Bebe, around Bebe. I wanna make her happy cos making her happy makes me happy. Another realization from these few days of thinking.

I can't wait to be with her again.

A little more than 24 hours from now, I will get to see her again.

Can't wait...

D-Day 12(Night)

It's 2am.

Just got back and showered after a super long day. Full house for both hi-tea and dinner. Hard hard work. But worth it seeing all the satisfied customers.

Which makes me wonder, why couldn't I treat Bebe as well as I treat my customers?

Patience, soft approach, earnestness. All stuff that I do like second nature at work.

Cos I'm paid to? I doubt it.

Bebe once said, because I am the most important person in her life, she expects much more from me, hence she will be more harsh with me.

I guess it's the same with me. She's the most important person that I have so I expect more.

However along the way, I made life complicated..,.

Bebe is in Jakarta now. I recall almost 2 years ago, I flew secretly to Jakarta to surprise her. I will never forget her happiness when ahe saw me.

I need to get that kind of feeling back. Let my love flow naturally and not keep cracking my brains to think of ways to make her happy.

I need to keep our love simple. Just like how it was when we first started out. I'd do the first thing that comes to my head when it comes to Bebe.

I think, or in fact I know, those were the most precious memories. When love was pure and simple.

I do hope I get the chance again. Keeping love simple. That was what I stopped doing.

I wanna love Bebe simply cos I love her. And do stuff for her without thinking.

That is how much I love this woman, whom I'm still waiting to re-enter my life.

Sleep tight my beautiful Bebe.

I have been thinking of you every single second.

Good night.

D-Day 12

It's 830am on Saturday 25th Aug 2007.

I've been asleep for 3 hours.

I just saw Bebe for a whole whooping 20 seconds and stole a consolation peck on her lips before she got back into the taxi and sped off to the airport. I couldn't help but let tears flow again as I saw the cab go.

I've been realizing so hard the impact Bebe has on my life. I feel so lonely and incomplete without her constantly around.

I only feel loved with her.

I only feel like I can do something right out of work with her.

I can't wait for her to be back. I really need her.

I'll be good. I know I will.

I hate the emptiness.

I need the feeling of Bebe's love back.

Eventually.

For now I sleep again.

Another long day awaits in a few hours.

Good morning and good night.

D-Day 11

Tiring day.

I just finished shower after coming home.

Bebe is flying to Jakarta tomorrow morning and guess what, I can't send her off. Simply cos I'm not allowed to. How sad is that? But it's my own doing so can't blame anyone.

I've passed so many days without her and the terrible ache that I feel that gets worse every day.

On one hand, I don't want to pressure her into coming back. On the other hand, I'm suffering without her.

There's no win win situation here. Just gotta continue my change til she wants to come back.

I feel really empty....

Looking on the bright side thoug, she still loves me. So there's still hope.

With that hope I will carry on.

For now I sleep.

D-Day 10

Today was a lovely day.

Simply cos I got to see Bebe right at the end of it.

She watched The King & I with Dxxxx today. Should have been me watching with her if not for my screw up. It's not like I don't like musicals. I just never felt the desire to watch them, until Bebe came along. Love what your love loves. That's how it is with most people isn't it? So Bebe, I will watch whatever you want me to watch with you, be it musicals or some sappy love movie. I love you enough to do that.

Bebe loves me. I know. That's why she bothered to come pick me up from work today. She could have not bothered but she did.

So I know she does love me. I just need to become worthy of her love again.

For now I shall sleep. Cos only by taking better care of myself will I be able to take extreme care of Bebe.

Good night ladies and gentlemen. Hope everyone's day has been as good as mine.

I miss Bebe. But what's new? :)

D-Day 9

Just got home. It's 230am. Been spending the last 3 hours doing something which should be the job of my immediate boss. Is it worth it? Just gotta wait and see...... So bloody tired.

It's really tough not having Bebe around and be able to see her every chance possible. How should I treat her? Like a princess. Can I? Most likely yes.

I have been feeling so much pain and torment these past days it's like a huge chunk of me is gone and all there is now is this huge empty void that needs to be filled. And I know only Bebe can fill it.

I am really sorry and remorseful for everything I've ever done wrong. I just ask for one more chance. One last chance perhaps. One final opportunity to make things right and make it up.

One more chance. That's all I need.

One more.

D-Day 8

Uneventful day.

I repeat. On a scale of 1 to 10, you rate 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Confirmed guaranteed plus chopped.

Really boring. Went cycling this morning, now got sore back, Probably should avoid the high humps and bumps from now on. Overestimated myself again.

I haven't lost my temper for days... Strange but true. I hope this persists, then I can thankfully welcome Bebe back with open arms. I don't know la, these past few days I have been really mellow. Nothing seems to piss me off enough to wanna blow up like before. Hopefully this is the start of better things to come.

I am writing now cos later I will be home late. Staying back for a few hours to go thru stuff with my midnight guys.

Still the same stuff. I miss Bebe terribly and I feel my love for her growing stronger. STraight from the heart.

Boring but true.

Good night Bebe, sleep tight.

D-Day 7

Monday 20th August 2007.

It's been 11 days since the crap happened.

But lucky me, I got various opportunities to see Bebe since then.

I love Bebe so much...

I realized I used to have so much negativity in my life cos I allowed myself to not feel good about myself.

How did I realize? When I sat at the gym locker today after training, feeling the blood pumping to the trained areas of my body, then looking at myself after shower, feeling the aches kicking in, I felt good, I felt confident. I felt on tops!

For too long I've abandoned myself and allowed myself to rot. That's when all the negativity kicked in, resulting in my temper and attitude problems.

So for a start, here are my resolutions for the coming months(til December at least):

1. Destroy the bad temper

2. Start training consistently

3. Stop thinking of the worst possible scenario with regards to every single thing(this is not the Army after all)

4. Love Bebe more with each passing day

5. Pray hard for Bebe to come back

Ok that's it for now.

I shall go wait patiently for Bebe's call.

Good night

D-Day 6(After the nightmare)

I fell asleep just now.

I think Bebe wanted to talk longer on the phone but I was so drowsy from the flu medicine I couldn't realy focus on what she wanted to say. I am so sorry Bebe.

Maybe that's why I ended up having the nightmare.

It was so real.

I was taken away by a gang of masked men and Bebe was walking away further and further. I woke up crying.

I really don't wanna lose her anymore.

Looking on the bright side, I spent some good hours with her since midnight last night. Kissed a little, hugged a little. Slept, woke up, brushed teeth together, just like the good old days, then had lunch before I had to go to work.

So blissful. I wish that moment would never stop but I know it is not possible right now.

I need to regain her trust and faith in us.

I will try really hard.

I love her so much.

I shall try and sleep again now.

Oh I met Jeanette and Chris at PP today. Earlier this evening Jeanette smsed me to tell me that both of them thinks Bebe is beautiful and sexy. I agree. She looks hot in that full adidas set. Me so proud to have her beside me.

Ok la, good night liao. My running nose is killing me.

D-Day 5

I had a few hours of sunlight today.

Supposed place of breakfast was closed so we went to Cartel instead.

Breakfast was so so but the company was excellent.

I am beginning to learn the art of appreciation.

It was stupid of me not to know how to do it in the past, always taking things for granted.

I had pure bliss for a few hours today.

I felt true unconditional love again today.

And I will work hard towards having it in my life for good.

I am sorry for all the wrong I've done.

Let me make it up k.

I love you Bebe.

Thank you for everything you've done for me.

D-Day 4

Back home from a long day at work.

As mentioned before, a ray of sunlight appeared briefly in my life today. I shadn't elaborate but I was over the moon for the rest of the night after that.

At least I can be sure she still has feelings for me. :)

Taking the train back just now, I again got dirty looks from 2 stupid gay men. Staring at me up and down throughout the whole journey, would have given them a good one if not for my promise not to be violent anymore.

Anyway I was too engrossed with thinking about Bebe to bother too much.

I really miss her so so much.

I shall not write much tonight cos I wanna try and sleep enough as I have a breakfast date with Bebe tomorrow morning. Gonna be a beautiful Saturday I'm sure.

Hope her cough gets better soon.

I do love her so.

Good night.

A Visit from Heaven

Bebe came to visit me at work today.

One word. Bliss.

I love you.

D-Day 3(Night)

Just got home.

Had a HUGE SILLY confrontation with the woman of my life.

SUPER STUPID ME.

I was lucky enough to get a call and I screwed it up.

Once again I failed the test.

I must stop using offence as defence.

For all I've done, I deserve to be tried and tested again.

I don't wanna screw up anymore. I hate screwing up.

At least one little good thing came out of this episode, she still cares about me.

Whatever the case, I won't do what I did again tonight to prevent further misunderstandings.

..............................................................................................

I write cos I have no one else to turn to.

Reading this is a choice so please don't judge me just cos I write what I feel.

I don't write when I'm in one of those "moods". I write when I'm calm and composed. So everything you see in these entries are what I really feel.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy.

I know I gotta go through trials and tribulations to get Bebe back in my life.

I wanna be deserving and make her happy, not fear me.

I will try til I can't try no more.

So please, until I throw in the towel, I'm still very much in the fight, giving it every ounce of energy I have.

I want her back and I will try til I can't try anymore.

...................................................................................................................................

Saturday 18th August 2007. I might get a bit of sunlight for a while.

Good night.

D-Day 3(A quick note)

All I can say is that I am relieved.

I haven't got a single reply from Bebe since 12pm today.

Spent the whole day worrying if something had happened to her.

Sent countless sms. Probably pissed the hell out of her.

She smsed me at 9pm. 9 hours since I started worrying.

I am relieved.

She is at her company dinner.

She told me before, why did I forget? Cos I lost focus with the worrying.

I am sure, dead sure, how much Bebe means to me.

I will not let anything stop me from loving her anymore.

I'm patiently waiting for the day I deserve her love again.

D-Day 2

It's been a long day today. Worked from 8 in the morning til 1030pm.

Tired? Maybe. But my mind is just getting overwhelmed by images of the times spent with Bebe. Even the fried rice that I bought from SHS tasted bland. Or is it cos my taste buds are affected by the flu?

Whatever. No big deal.

managed to have some nice sms conversations with Bebe just now. She always hated sms but she still bothered to send and reply my smses over a period of a few hours. I'm thankful.

So apparently this weekend I will be allowed to see her for breakfast. Delighted? Definitely. At least I'll get to spend a few hours with her before we go our separate ways again.

Violence solves nothing. This is my realization for today.

Finally I'm feeling sleepy. Must be cos I know I'm meeting her this weekend.

I miss Bebe. I feel a a little bit of calm coming over me knowing that I'll see her soon.

I really miss Bebe.

Good night. I don't deserve any sweet dreams but I'll pray for just a little Bebe in my dreams.

Talk tomorrow.

Zzzz...

The Night Seems Darker Than It Already Is

It's half past midnight. I've gone through more than 24 hours of darkness. The world outside the window is dark, but it is still bright compared to the hollowness and deep abyss that has now replaced what used to be my heart.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I tried to be happy today. I really did. But I failed. I survived 2 hours of F&B meeting where nothing that was said entered my brain, I have to look through my notes tomorrow to see what needs to be followed up. I hid in the toilet for the entire 45 minutes of my dinner break, crying a quiet cry. The hurt wouldn't go away and the tears wouldn't stop.

No one noticed I was gone. The night went by as everyone went about their routine and I put on one of the best shows of my life. There was laughter everywhere, the team was cracking jokes and smiling all night long. Everyone asked how Batam was. Everyone bought my act. Everyone still thinks I'm still the same guy that they've known. I hope they never find out. I hope they never sense my pain. Cos I'm sure even a little bit of my pain will affect the team's morale. I can't let them see my pain. So I have to continue my act for as long as it takes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I lost the only family I've had for the last 2 years. I've lost, with my own hands, the woman I swore to protect and treasure. I've lost my mind. I've lost my happiness.

I just hope my loss is temporaray.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've not slept since the night of 12th August 2007. Everytime I close my eyes, her face appears. The times I've spent with her runs through my head like a bullet train. All the joys and tears rush through me like a poison, filling my every nerve and vein. And at the end of it all, the tears just come.

I have to do breakfast tomorrow. I will try to sleep with my eyes open tonight. As long as I don't close my eyes, the images won't come.

I miss my bebe.

D-Day 1

How does someone lose someone else with his own hands?

How does someone love another so much yet not be able to love her for all that she is?

How does someone allow himself to hurt and be hurt and spend the days after in remorse?

How does someone redeem himself?

How does someone run out of tears?

So many questions, so many answers to find.

I will find them.

First answer today. It is impossible to find happiness when the source is gone. Amazing but true.

MON13082007

Monday 13082007.

The day the sun ceased to shine in my world.