The Night Seems Darker Than It Already Is

It's half past midnight. I've gone through more than 24 hours of darkness. The world outside the window is dark, but it is still bright compared to the hollowness and deep abyss that has now replaced what used to be my heart.

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I tried to be happy today. I really did. But I failed. I survived 2 hours of F&B meeting where nothing that was said entered my brain, I have to look through my notes tomorrow to see what needs to be followed up. I hid in the toilet for the entire 45 minutes of my dinner break, crying a quiet cry. The hurt wouldn't go away and the tears wouldn't stop.

No one noticed I was gone. The night went by as everyone went about their routine and I put on one of the best shows of my life. There was laughter everywhere, the team was cracking jokes and smiling all night long. Everyone asked how Batam was. Everyone bought my act. Everyone still thinks I'm still the same guy that they've known. I hope they never find out. I hope they never sense my pain. Cos I'm sure even a little bit of my pain will affect the team's morale. I can't let them see my pain. So I have to continue my act for as long as it takes.

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I lost the only family I've had for the last 2 years. I've lost, with my own hands, the woman I swore to protect and treasure. I've lost my mind. I've lost my happiness.

I just hope my loss is temporaray.

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I've not slept since the night of 12th August 2007. Everytime I close my eyes, her face appears. The times I've spent with her runs through my head like a bullet train. All the joys and tears rush through me like a poison, filling my every nerve and vein. And at the end of it all, the tears just come.

I have to do breakfast tomorrow. I will try to sleep with my eyes open tonight. As long as I don't close my eyes, the images won't come.

I miss my bebe.