D-Day 17(Night)

130am.

I've just been woken up by my stupid wabbit Maomao.

He's been extremely hard to handle since he came home.

Always thumping his feet, especially when he's asleep. Then these 2 days, every time I top up his food bowl, he'll eat a bit then start humping the bowl till the bowl topples over, spilling the food.

This stupid guy. Siao cheong nao!!!!

I'm seriously contemplating neutering him to make him tamer but I know Bebe can't bear to.

See how la. Probably he misses his mummy too much, just like me. But I'm a bit luckier, I still get to see Bebe occasionally and don't have to hump food bowl...

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In a few hours Bebe will be coming home from Mumbai. I'm relieved she's finally coming back. My heart aches knowing she has to suffer there.

I promise to always be around for her no matter what and not let her have to suffer again.

Now it's just a matter of time.

K I shall try and sleep again. If not the stupid fever will come back again.

Please la Maomao, let me sleep peacefully for once la...

I need energy to spend time with your mummy k.

Good night.

D-Day 17

Back home at a record breaking early time. Not feeling too good with the silly fever still lingering.

One more day and Bebe will be back. So happy. Even though we're "officially" not a couple, I still pity the poor girl who has to spend 4 long days in Mumbai!!!!! India!!!!! Wonder if she bought birds from the market with her Visa card.

F-Fred, SIBM-Smelly Indian Bird Man

F(tilting head left and right),"My love is going on a journey today. I vanna bring her good fortune. 5 birds please."

SIBM(also tilting left and right),"But you already have 1."

F(sheepishly),"OK!"

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!!!Everybody sing along now!!!

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I can't wait to see Bebe again.

Really feels empty without her around.

I really have changed. But it's up to Bebe to decide when she wants to come back. I won't force her. I'll just hang in there til it's time, then I will make her the happiest woman in the world.

Mrs Chxxxx Lim.

Excellent!!!

D-Day 16

215am.

Had fever today, as expected. But better now after lots of water and panadol.

My "favourite" fat boy Dxxxxxx tendered his resignation today. Good for him, better for everyone else. But Txxx spoke to him so he might change his mind. See how la. It'll be good to have some peace and quiet finally.

I was having my dinner break today when some of the accounts girls came over and asked me how I was doing.... Something fishy.... Then they asked me what I felt about Stxxxxxxx going over to become GRM. I said good for her. They all stared at me like they were expecting more but nope, that's all I had to say. Finally someone had the brains to ask me how my relationship with Bebe was and if I would ever consider giving Stxxxxxxx a chance if I was unattached. What's up with these people? They really have nothing better to do. My stand has always been very clear. I'm in love with Bebe and unless I ever fall out of love with her, nothing and nobody, not even Fiona "Biong-biong" can drag me away.

As I continued sitting there alone, I thought back to all the times I've spent with Bebe. Good and bad, we've gone through so much together. It'll really take alot more to make me stop loving her.

I know we're meant to be. We just got to learn to accomodate each other better.

I know I'm trying and I'm pretty sure Bebe loves me enough to wanna spend her life with me.

I'm waiting and changing at the same time.

I miss Bebe and I miss having her belong to me.

One day I will have her back.

Good night.

D-Day 15

Bebe is in Mumbai. Poor thing. My heart aches whenever I think about it. 3 more days to go, hang in there my beautiful princess.

Went to fix Mdm Lee's tank earlier. She asked when I was getting married. Nearly cried. Luckily facing the tank so she couldn't see. At that moment, I again realized how much Bebe meant to me and how much I wanted to spend my life with her.

I really feel that void getting deeper and deeper. I will never get used to not having her.

Anyway, we'll spend half a weekend together this week when she's back. For that, I am thankful.

Seeing stars now. Small fever kicking in. I need to take better care of my health.

Earlier Bebe called to chat. I really love hearing her voice. Be it when she's talking, singing or even moaning. I just love hearing her.

I miss Bebe so much.

Be strong darling. Come back safe and sound. I'm waiting patiently here for you.

Sweet dreams.

D-Day 14

I had a wonderful day today.

Picked Bebe up from the airport. So happy to see her. She had to go back to office for a while so I hung around til she was finished. Went for lunch at MS then walked around.

The rest of the activities are for me and Bebe to know only.

But I had a beautiful day.

Actually in a way, I'm glad we're going thru what we're going thru now. I have woken up and I guess Bebe also realizes the intensity of her love for me. That's why I've been given the opportunity to redeem myself.

I love Bebe so much. I wanna be good to her and good for her.

Time will prove my sincerity and determination to become better.

I shall sleep now. Gotta give bebe morning call later.

I miss her so much.

D-Day 13

13 more hours and I'll get to see Bebe.

Nothing much I wanna think of right now except wait to spend an afternoon with her tomorrow before she flies to black country.

I shall sleep now.

I miss you bebe.

Can't stop loving you.

D-Day 13

Good morning!

It's gonna be another long day so I don't think I'll have the energy to write tonight.

Definitely, my missing of Bebe is getting from bad to worse. I can't stop thinking of her.

I can't stop thinking of the wonderful memories we've had. All the good times when all we enjoyed was each other's company and pure pure love and happiness. I really want those times back.

However, I will not let myself forget the crap that I've done to hurt her. And I will constantly remind myself to stay calm and focused in order not to make the same mistakes.

I wanna build a new life with Bebe, around Bebe. I wanna make her happy cos making her happy makes me happy. Another realization from these few days of thinking.

I can't wait to be with her again.

A little more than 24 hours from now, I will get to see her again.

Can't wait...

D-Day 12(Night)

It's 2am.

Just got back and showered after a super long day. Full house for both hi-tea and dinner. Hard hard work. But worth it seeing all the satisfied customers.

Which makes me wonder, why couldn't I treat Bebe as well as I treat my customers?

Patience, soft approach, earnestness. All stuff that I do like second nature at work.

Cos I'm paid to? I doubt it.

Bebe once said, because I am the most important person in her life, she expects much more from me, hence she will be more harsh with me.

I guess it's the same with me. She's the most important person that I have so I expect more.

However along the way, I made life complicated..,.

Bebe is in Jakarta now. I recall almost 2 years ago, I flew secretly to Jakarta to surprise her. I will never forget her happiness when ahe saw me.

I need to get that kind of feeling back. Let my love flow naturally and not keep cracking my brains to think of ways to make her happy.

I need to keep our love simple. Just like how it was when we first started out. I'd do the first thing that comes to my head when it comes to Bebe.

I think, or in fact I know, those were the most precious memories. When love was pure and simple.

I do hope I get the chance again. Keeping love simple. That was what I stopped doing.

I wanna love Bebe simply cos I love her. And do stuff for her without thinking.

That is how much I love this woman, whom I'm still waiting to re-enter my life.

Sleep tight my beautiful Bebe.

I have been thinking of you every single second.

Good night.

D-Day 12

It's 830am on Saturday 25th Aug 2007.

I've been asleep for 3 hours.

I just saw Bebe for a whole whooping 20 seconds and stole a consolation peck on her lips before she got back into the taxi and sped off to the airport. I couldn't help but let tears flow again as I saw the cab go.

I've been realizing so hard the impact Bebe has on my life. I feel so lonely and incomplete without her constantly around.

I only feel loved with her.

I only feel like I can do something right out of work with her.

I can't wait for her to be back. I really need her.

I'll be good. I know I will.

I hate the emptiness.

I need the feeling of Bebe's love back.

Eventually.

For now I sleep again.

Another long day awaits in a few hours.

Good morning and good night.

D-Day 11

Tiring day.

I just finished shower after coming home.

Bebe is flying to Jakarta tomorrow morning and guess what, I can't send her off. Simply cos I'm not allowed to. How sad is that? But it's my own doing so can't blame anyone.

I've passed so many days without her and the terrible ache that I feel that gets worse every day.

On one hand, I don't want to pressure her into coming back. On the other hand, I'm suffering without her.

There's no win win situation here. Just gotta continue my change til she wants to come back.

I feel really empty....

Looking on the bright side thoug, she still loves me. So there's still hope.

With that hope I will carry on.

For now I sleep.

D-Day 10

Today was a lovely day.

Simply cos I got to see Bebe right at the end of it.

She watched The King & I with Dxxxx today. Should have been me watching with her if not for my screw up. It's not like I don't like musicals. I just never felt the desire to watch them, until Bebe came along. Love what your love loves. That's how it is with most people isn't it? So Bebe, I will watch whatever you want me to watch with you, be it musicals or some sappy love movie. I love you enough to do that.

Bebe loves me. I know. That's why she bothered to come pick me up from work today. She could have not bothered but she did.

So I know she does love me. I just need to become worthy of her love again.

For now I shall sleep. Cos only by taking better care of myself will I be able to take extreme care of Bebe.

Good night ladies and gentlemen. Hope everyone's day has been as good as mine.

I miss Bebe. But what's new? :)

D-Day 9

Just got home. It's 230am. Been spending the last 3 hours doing something which should be the job of my immediate boss. Is it worth it? Just gotta wait and see...... So bloody tired.

It's really tough not having Bebe around and be able to see her every chance possible. How should I treat her? Like a princess. Can I? Most likely yes.

I have been feeling so much pain and torment these past days it's like a huge chunk of me is gone and all there is now is this huge empty void that needs to be filled. And I know only Bebe can fill it.

I am really sorry and remorseful for everything I've ever done wrong. I just ask for one more chance. One last chance perhaps. One final opportunity to make things right and make it up.

One more chance. That's all I need.

One more.

D-Day 8

Uneventful day.

I repeat. On a scale of 1 to 10, you rate 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Confirmed guaranteed plus chopped.

Really boring. Went cycling this morning, now got sore back, Probably should avoid the high humps and bumps from now on. Overestimated myself again.

I haven't lost my temper for days... Strange but true. I hope this persists, then I can thankfully welcome Bebe back with open arms. I don't know la, these past few days I have been really mellow. Nothing seems to piss me off enough to wanna blow up like before. Hopefully this is the start of better things to come.

I am writing now cos later I will be home late. Staying back for a few hours to go thru stuff with my midnight guys.

Still the same stuff. I miss Bebe terribly and I feel my love for her growing stronger. STraight from the heart.

Boring but true.

Good night Bebe, sleep tight.

D-Day 7

Monday 20th August 2007.

It's been 11 days since the crap happened.

But lucky me, I got various opportunities to see Bebe since then.

I love Bebe so much...

I realized I used to have so much negativity in my life cos I allowed myself to not feel good about myself.

How did I realize? When I sat at the gym locker today after training, feeling the blood pumping to the trained areas of my body, then looking at myself after shower, feeling the aches kicking in, I felt good, I felt confident. I felt on tops!

For too long I've abandoned myself and allowed myself to rot. That's when all the negativity kicked in, resulting in my temper and attitude problems.

So for a start, here are my resolutions for the coming months(til December at least):

1. Destroy the bad temper

2. Start training consistently

3. Stop thinking of the worst possible scenario with regards to every single thing(this is not the Army after all)

4. Love Bebe more with each passing day

5. Pray hard for Bebe to come back

Ok that's it for now.

I shall go wait patiently for Bebe's call.

Good night

D-Day 6(After the nightmare)

I fell asleep just now.

I think Bebe wanted to talk longer on the phone but I was so drowsy from the flu medicine I couldn't realy focus on what she wanted to say. I am so sorry Bebe.

Maybe that's why I ended up having the nightmare.

It was so real.

I was taken away by a gang of masked men and Bebe was walking away further and further. I woke up crying.

I really don't wanna lose her anymore.

Looking on the bright side, I spent some good hours with her since midnight last night. Kissed a little, hugged a little. Slept, woke up, brushed teeth together, just like the good old days, then had lunch before I had to go to work.

So blissful. I wish that moment would never stop but I know it is not possible right now.

I need to regain her trust and faith in us.

I will try really hard.

I love her so much.

I shall try and sleep again now.

Oh I met Jeanette and Chris at PP today. Earlier this evening Jeanette smsed me to tell me that both of them thinks Bebe is beautiful and sexy. I agree. She looks hot in that full adidas set. Me so proud to have her beside me.

Ok la, good night liao. My running nose is killing me.

D-Day 5

I had a few hours of sunlight today.

Supposed place of breakfast was closed so we went to Cartel instead.

Breakfast was so so but the company was excellent.

I am beginning to learn the art of appreciation.

It was stupid of me not to know how to do it in the past, always taking things for granted.

I had pure bliss for a few hours today.

I felt true unconditional love again today.

And I will work hard towards having it in my life for good.

I am sorry for all the wrong I've done.

Let me make it up k.

I love you Bebe.

Thank you for everything you've done for me.

D-Day 4

Back home from a long day at work.

As mentioned before, a ray of sunlight appeared briefly in my life today. I shadn't elaborate but I was over the moon for the rest of the night after that.

At least I can be sure she still has feelings for me. :)

Taking the train back just now, I again got dirty looks from 2 stupid gay men. Staring at me up and down throughout the whole journey, would have given them a good one if not for my promise not to be violent anymore.

Anyway I was too engrossed with thinking about Bebe to bother too much.

I really miss her so so much.

I shall not write much tonight cos I wanna try and sleep enough as I have a breakfast date with Bebe tomorrow morning. Gonna be a beautiful Saturday I'm sure.

Hope her cough gets better soon.

I do love her so.

Good night.

A Visit from Heaven

Bebe came to visit me at work today.

One word. Bliss.

I love you.

D-Day 3(Night)

Just got home.

Had a HUGE SILLY confrontation with the woman of my life.

SUPER STUPID ME.

I was lucky enough to get a call and I screwed it up.

Once again I failed the test.

I must stop using offence as defence.

For all I've done, I deserve to be tried and tested again.

I don't wanna screw up anymore. I hate screwing up.

At least one little good thing came out of this episode, she still cares about me.

Whatever the case, I won't do what I did again tonight to prevent further misunderstandings.

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I write cos I have no one else to turn to.

Reading this is a choice so please don't judge me just cos I write what I feel.

I don't write when I'm in one of those "moods". I write when I'm calm and composed. So everything you see in these entries are what I really feel.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy.

I know I gotta go through trials and tribulations to get Bebe back in my life.

I wanna be deserving and make her happy, not fear me.

I will try til I can't try no more.

So please, until I throw in the towel, I'm still very much in the fight, giving it every ounce of energy I have.

I want her back and I will try til I can't try anymore.

...................................................................................................................................

Saturday 18th August 2007. I might get a bit of sunlight for a while.

Good night.

D-Day 3(A quick note)

All I can say is that I am relieved.

I haven't got a single reply from Bebe since 12pm today.

Spent the whole day worrying if something had happened to her.

Sent countless sms. Probably pissed the hell out of her.

She smsed me at 9pm. 9 hours since I started worrying.

I am relieved.

She is at her company dinner.

She told me before, why did I forget? Cos I lost focus with the worrying.

I am sure, dead sure, how much Bebe means to me.

I will not let anything stop me from loving her anymore.

I'm patiently waiting for the day I deserve her love again.

D-Day 2

It's been a long day today. Worked from 8 in the morning til 1030pm.

Tired? Maybe. But my mind is just getting overwhelmed by images of the times spent with Bebe. Even the fried rice that I bought from SHS tasted bland. Or is it cos my taste buds are affected by the flu?

Whatever. No big deal.

managed to have some nice sms conversations with Bebe just now. She always hated sms but she still bothered to send and reply my smses over a period of a few hours. I'm thankful.

So apparently this weekend I will be allowed to see her for breakfast. Delighted? Definitely. At least I'll get to spend a few hours with her before we go our separate ways again.

Violence solves nothing. This is my realization for today.

Finally I'm feeling sleepy. Must be cos I know I'm meeting her this weekend.

I miss Bebe. I feel a a little bit of calm coming over me knowing that I'll see her soon.

I really miss Bebe.

Good night. I don't deserve any sweet dreams but I'll pray for just a little Bebe in my dreams.

Talk tomorrow.

Zzzz...

The Night Seems Darker Than It Already Is

It's half past midnight. I've gone through more than 24 hours of darkness. The world outside the window is dark, but it is still bright compared to the hollowness and deep abyss that has now replaced what used to be my heart.

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I tried to be happy today. I really did. But I failed. I survived 2 hours of F&B meeting where nothing that was said entered my brain, I have to look through my notes tomorrow to see what needs to be followed up. I hid in the toilet for the entire 45 minutes of my dinner break, crying a quiet cry. The hurt wouldn't go away and the tears wouldn't stop.

No one noticed I was gone. The night went by as everyone went about their routine and I put on one of the best shows of my life. There was laughter everywhere, the team was cracking jokes and smiling all night long. Everyone asked how Batam was. Everyone bought my act. Everyone still thinks I'm still the same guy that they've known. I hope they never find out. I hope they never sense my pain. Cos I'm sure even a little bit of my pain will affect the team's morale. I can't let them see my pain. So I have to continue my act for as long as it takes.

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I lost the only family I've had for the last 2 years. I've lost, with my own hands, the woman I swore to protect and treasure. I've lost my mind. I've lost my happiness.

I just hope my loss is temporaray.

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I've not slept since the night of 12th August 2007. Everytime I close my eyes, her face appears. The times I've spent with her runs through my head like a bullet train. All the joys and tears rush through me like a poison, filling my every nerve and vein. And at the end of it all, the tears just come.

I have to do breakfast tomorrow. I will try to sleep with my eyes open tonight. As long as I don't close my eyes, the images won't come.

I miss my bebe.

D-Day 1

How does someone lose someone else with his own hands?

How does someone love another so much yet not be able to love her for all that she is?

How does someone allow himself to hurt and be hurt and spend the days after in remorse?

How does someone redeem himself?

How does someone run out of tears?

So many questions, so many answers to find.

I will find them.

First answer today. It is impossible to find happiness when the source is gone. Amazing but true.

MON13082007

Monday 13082007.

The day the sun ceased to shine in my world.